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EVERY group on Grounds seems to be attempting to establish itself as a persecuted minority worthy of special attention. Asian Student Union proposed establishing a dormitory devoted to multicultural understanding. La Sociedad Hispanica called for more recruitment of Hispanic students and faculty. The administration attempted to save sober students who are harassed continually by their intoxicated peers with its substance-free dormitory proposal. As a representative of another less-publicized minority around
Grounds, I too want a piece of the special-interest pie.
Now, you may be asking yourself what minority could this kid possibly belong to? He is a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant with blue eyes, brown hair and no criminal record. But that is because you see only my grumpy face and half of my flowered tie. Otherwise, you would know that beneath the seven inches of my head, there lies only four feet nine inches more of body.
Yes, I am as vertically-challenged as it gets. And unbeknownst to people of average height, discrimination against people of extremely large or small heights occurs on a daily basis. From stores that only carry shorts designed so they always stretch beyond my knees to shelves in my first-year dormitory I needed two chairs and the help of a few friends to even reach, there is a severe lack of understanding around Grounds of the difficulties associated with being a short or tall student.
So, to alleviate the problems of short and tall people alike, and to increase understanding at the University of our plight, I propose we establish a dormitory devoted to height awareness. Of course, it would require building a new dormitory because all of the rooms would need to be custom-built to fit people of various heights. Each room would be designed with the comfort of a specific height in mind. All of the doors and ceilings would have to accommodate a height of at least seven feet four inches, because Virginia men's basketball redshirt first-year center Chase Metheney surely would want a spot in our dormitory. And in the interests of building community, everyone in the dorm should be able to pass freely from room to room.
Other features in the rooms would conform to specific heights though, starting with desks and chairs. How many times have you tried to sit down in the library or in your dormitory room and either the desk simply was too high or not high enough? It happens to me all the time. In the Commerce School library, I can barely get my elbows on the table. I would bet Metheney hits his knees on the bottoms of tables quite often. Shelves would be adjustable according to individual tastes and we also would place clothes drawers strategically according to height.
Bathrooms also would have to accommodate various degrees of height. Mirrors would be hung on a slant so people of differing heights could comb their hair and brush their teeth without standing on tippy-toes or crouching down.
Coin-operated beverage dispensers also would need to be altered because the good drinks are always on top. I should not have to reach up to get a Coke; it should be placed perfectly in my comfort zone. But the dormitory would not only provide comfort within the living area; it also would reach into the community to promote height awareness.
The most disturbing problem facing many vertically-challenged people is the lack of understanding in the clothing world. I am convinced the fashion powers-to-be are conspiring to deprive short and tall people of their right to be in style. Some clothing stores, such as Britches and Aeropostale, do not even carry waist sizes below 30 or shorts that end above my knees. That problem really annoys me. I have a right to good fashion as long as I am willing to pay for it, and those stores should understand my plight.
So, in the interest of furthering height awareness within the business world, the residents of the height awareness dormitory would find businesses that understand our needs, and we would pledge to give those stores all of our business. We also would launch smear campaigns against stores not providing clothing for tall and short people. Thus, we would reward stores for becoming height aware and force renegade stores to join the height awareness revolution.
We, the persecuted minority of vertically-challenged people, have been abused far too long, and we are not going to take it anymore. The University must come to understand our plight by hiring more vertically-challenged faculty and encouraging vertically-challenged students to apply. The establishment of a vertically-challenged scholarship would help promote that task. For in the game of pie eating, short and tall people have gone without dessert for long enough.
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